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And This Joke of an Award Goes To…

December 13, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your 2009 Best Performance by a Human Female Voice (as opposed to…) winner from the Spike Video Game Awards. The most talentless actress to ever grace the silver screen since the invention of the prop. This is what happens when you have community voting for what should theoretically be a coveted game awards ceremony, especially when your community is built up of the Spike TV crowd, aka the Madden and Halo types. Which makes this even more confusing because Tricia Helfer was nominated for her work in Halo 3: ODST. Considering she worked alongside Nathan Fillion in that, the choice should have been obvious. In fact, according to comments posted on the Spike webpage as of this posting, there have been no comments concerning Megan Fox’s winning, and yet Tricia seems to be the preferred candidate amongst the community. It’s as if nobody cares, including the judges. Megan Fox has Jolie-esque lips, that’s good enough.

But this is not even the tip of the iceberg. As Cliff Bleszinski posted on his Twitter last night: “EA wins the best EA Sports Category.” Literally every single nomination in the sports category was an EA game. What happened to the 2K Sports games? Also, quick question, but why must Indie Games alone be fueled by Mountain Dew? Where’s the “Best AAA Title Fueled by Dew?” category? I love Code Red as much as the next guy but I make no claims as to whether or not I fuel my coding on Dew (I’ll be honest: I don’t, and I don’t care if I don’t ever win that award). While we’re at it, why not have some more complete jokes of categories? I mentioned earlier that the awards for actors are “Best Performance by a Human Female/Male,” so why not give some credit to the male and female animals that may have loaned their roars/squawks/mews to a game’s production? Howabout an award for the Most Brotastic Game? While we’re at it, isn’t this Spike? Shouldn’t ALL the awards be Brolated in some way?

Spike, I am going to do you a huge favor and rename all your awards for you. Please use these next year instead of the vanilla awards you’ve been giving out:

  • Game Of the Year -> Most Browesome Game
  • Studio of the Year -> Studibro of the Year
  • Best Independent Game Fueled by Mountain Dew -> Best Indebrodent Game Built By Bros
  • Best XBox 360 -> Best XBox Bro-60 Game
  • Best PS3 -> Best Brostation 3 Game
  • Best Wii -> No Bro Owns a Wii, so we’re not offering an award here. Moving on…
  • Best PC -> Best Winbros Game
  • Best Handheld -> Best Brotable Game
  • Best Shooter -> Best Habro Wannabe Game
  • Best Fighting -> Best Bro on Bro Combat Game
  • Best Action Adventure -> Best Action Broventure Game
  • Best RPG -> Best Game That No One in Our Audience Will Play
  • Best Multiplayer -> Best Game That Has a Multiplayer Mode
  • Best Sports -> Best EA Sports Game
  • Best Driving -> Fastest Cars Game
  • Best Music Game -> Most Expensive Game
  • Best Soundtrack -> Brotastic Tunes, Bro
  • Best Original Score -> Best Game With Music You Don’t Care About
  • Best Graphics -> Most, Like, Polygons
  • Best Game Based on Movie/TV Show -> Best Game Based on Things We’ve Shown on Spike
  • Best Performance by a Human Female -> Hot Chick of the Year
  • Best Performance by a Human Male -> Most Awesome Dude Who Watches Spike TV
  • Best Cast -> Best Cast That Spends Half the Recording Time Watching Spike TV
  • Best Voice -> One Extra Voice Award for the Hell of It
  • Best Downloadable Game -> Best Game You’ll Never Buy, Even Though You Said You Would
  • Best DLC -> Fallout 3 versus GTA 4 Award
  • Most Anticipated Game -> Best Game That Could Still Potentially Be a Total Brolocaust
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