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Five REAL Steps

December 12, 2009

So there was today’s post on Kotaku, Five Steps to Total Pwnage of a Gamer Girl’s Heart. From the title alone, you should infer not to take the subject matter too seriously, lest you be swept up in five minutes of passive aggressive nerd-bashing and general facepalm-worthy writing. Then there was Leigh Alexander’s response over at SexyVideoGameLand, which was much better written and pointed out that sometimes these things are all about business, especially when the article gets over 50,000 views.

So let’s recap. Ms. Raven Alexis’s suggestions were:

1. Talk to her about her rig. “Don’t assume that she doesn’t know her stuff – she could probably describe the differences in AGP vs. PCI slot architecture better than most guys you know.” That’s true, until you bring that very exact topic up and she realizes you haven’t seen the sun in over a year. Using the opening line “So is that a PCI-Express X16 graphics card you’re running or are you just happy to see me?” may seem like a good idea at the time but trust me, it won’t do you any favors. This is a topic for later discussion, not opening discussion.

2. Offer her food. A nice gesture, worded terribly in the article. “There is nothing more romantic than offering a girl a nice, refreshing taste of your Bawls…or Red Bull.” Very smooth. Plus apparently all gamers try to carry on a conversation with their mouths full. If that’s true, and you claim to be a nerd, then you are just as guilty as the rest of us. Suddenly Ms. Alexis isn’t quite as appealing anymore, is she?

3. Message her in-game. Okay, two things. One, if you distract her while she is trying to snipe someone on the red team and she is killed because of it, she will never forgive you. Two, she may not even see your message in the first place, or may ignore it entirely, which leads to the major tip of not seeming creepy: never overpersist. You wouldn’t call somebody ten times in one day if they didn’t answer their phone, the same goes for texts/IM’s/in-game messages. This could very easily backfire and force her to find somebody she thinks is cute to continuously backstab your avatar for the rest of the LAN party. Or she’ll take matters into her own hands and backstab you herself. And no, this does not mean she is paying attention to you now, this means she hates you.

4. Plant a fake virus on a friend’s computer and then pretend to be a hero by getting rid of it. Okay, wow, there’s just far too many variables here to work. One, this assumes you have a “fake virus” lying around or know how to program a “fake virus.” This also assumes she cares and isn’t too busy racking up gamerscore while you heroically rescue your friend’s computer from your fake little worm. So you might assume, “I could just plant the worm on her computer then?” Theoretically there’s nothing stopping you, except for the fact that when she finds out it was you (and she will) this will once again lead to much backstabbage against you.

5. Go and talk to her. The one good suggestion here. Unfortunately the suggestion to “just play with her” was used as a pun when really, in an enclosed gamer setting, this is the thing to do. Give her cover fire. Pull aggro. If she is a good gamer she will return the favor in the next round, and suddenly you have a rapport, something to talk about during break time. I honestly can’t even take this part of the article seriously, as it is implied that playing with the girl is just a pun. Hardy har. In the real world, nobody goes to LAN parties to get laid. If they did, Gamer Culture would be nearly identical to the Nightclub scene.

In this place called the real world it doesn’t matter who you are, nerd or player, these are the five real ways to meet any person:

  1. Bathe. For the love of God. No one likes a stinker. This includes your clothes and your body. Staying clean is the key to being confident.
  2. Brush your teeth. The only thing worse than BO is morning breath. Brush twice a day. Floss and mouthwash never hurt anyone either. And if you don’t feel like bringing a toothbrush to the LAN party, bring gum. On top of keeping your breath fresh, it never hurts to offer a piece.
  3. Go outside. Vitamin D keeps your skin healthy and keeps your energy level up. There are lots of places to go in this world, even just a few blocks from your house. Half an hour outside on a sunny day can make all the difference.
  4. Go to the gym. This isn’t a “body image” thing. You can go to the gym and still go home fat. Sure you can slim up if you put some real effort into it, but just going and doing an hour’s worth of cardio every day or two can have major effects on how you feel about yourself, which in turn will affect how well you are at conversing with others.
  5. Eat right. Go ahead and be that one guy at the party who gets a veggie pizza and not bacon. Have a grilled chicken sub for lunch and not bacon. Eat cereal for breakfast and not bacon. See where I’m going with this?

What it really comes down to is that gaming is a hobby and should be treated as such. Even if you take your gaming seriously, please be aware that there are in fact other things in life. If you feel like you lack real social interaction (not via headset), buy games that encourage it like Rock Band or even board games. If you honestly feel like your ability to talk to women is severely low level, go make some friends before you try to find anything more serious.

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